By Lindsay Burrill / Boston
By far, the funniest event on TV last week goes to the Roast of Donald Trump, hosted by Family Guy’s Seth McFarlane. The usual roasters Jeffrey Ross, and Lisa Lampanelli were in attendance, but sadly Greg Giraldo was not. He passed away in September, but newby Anthony Jeselnik handled the job well.
Special guest roasters included Larry King, Snoop Dogg, Whitney Cummings, Mike Sorrentino, aka the Situation (yeah, he was invited for some strange reason, but I’ll get to his terrible performance in a minute) and Marlee Matlin (deaf actress, currently on celebrity apprentice).
There was no surprise that Donald’s hair was one of the bigger targets for ridicule. Also on trial, his larger than life ego, and constant desire to get with young foreign woman. These were mentioned once or twice…or twenty or thirty times.
So who do you think the funniest roaster would be? Probably one of the distinguished comedians right? WRONG. Snoop D-O double G was by far the funniest man of the night. He brought one crack after another, and ooh ooh that swagger he used when he said it just made it sound that much better.
BURN #1 Snoop thanked Seth McFarlene for the introduction by saying, “Hey Seth, FYI aint no mother F@#$ER watching the Cleveland Show.” (But I watch it Snoop!)
BURN #2 Then he started taking cracks at Lisa Lampanelli, and he really hit the nail on the head when he said, “If you wanna f%#k Lisa Lamponelli doggie style, all you gotta do is throw a bowl of food on the ground.”
BURN #3: “i walked by Marlee’s dressing room earlier and she was practicing her lines, it sounded like someone was clubbing a seal” (Again, remember Marlee is deaf.)
BURN #4: Referring to Whitney Cummings, “I roll blunts fatter than you, but you’ve been passed around more.”
BURN #5 Snoop mistakes the Situation for Snooki on the stage, then says sorry man “I guess all white people that act black…look alike to me. There used to be a word for guys like you , and that word was gay…I guess that’s still the word.”
BURN #6 Finally he gets to dissing the man of the hour, Donald Trump. “I may not have half his paper, but I’ve got twice the dick. “I’d love to f@#k one of Trump’s ex wives, just to know what it’s like to cum in the money.
Burn #7 THE BEST DISS TO TRUMP:
“Now, Donald Trump says he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time you pushed a black family out of their home.”
And Snoop’s parting words…come to my dressing room after the show, “I’ll get you so high, you’ll fire yourself and, put my name on the mother f@#$%ing towers.
How do you even follow such an amazing act?
Snoop wasn’t the only funny one throughout the night though. Here are some of the best burns from some of the other roasters, about Donald Trump.
Seth McFarlene talking about how Donald Trump had everything handed to him on a silver spoon: “You’re like Jaden Smith with a comb over.”
Seth McFarlene talking about Trump’s big ego: “When Donald Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and pretends he’s jerking off.”
Lisa Lampanelli: “You’ve put up more useless hotels than an autistic kid playing monopoly.”
Larry King talking about Trump first starting up his business: “He dropped his shoulder to the wheel, put his nose on the grindstone, and borrowed six million dollars from his dad.”
Whitney Cummings: “You’ve given more uneducated whores more camera jobs than FOX news”
Anthony Jeselnik: “The only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie ‘Wallstreet’, is that no one’s gonna be sad when you get a cancer.”
Jeff Ross: “Your new housing project is so big and full of black dudes, it’s like Lisa Lampanelli’s vagina.”
Other memorable moments include: Snoop lighting up a blunt in the middle of the Situation’s speech. i don’t know if the Situation was drunk or what, but he was downright terrible. i’ve never heard someone booed at one of these things in my life. It was so bad Jeff Ross had to come up there and save him (he did so by showing off his glorious…as he called it “The Saturation.”). There really aren’t words to give it justice, but the Situation definitely confirmed to the world that he is in fact one of the douchiest people on the planet.
When Marlee Matlin was doing her bit, Gilbert Gottfried showed up, and screamed at everyone like he does best. He said Trump ruined the New York skyline so badly that he “should be called the 20th hijacker.” Thanks for stopping by Mr. Gottfried, i guess now it’s back to the yellow pages to see what animal you can do voice over for next.
Donald Trump getting his revenge on the roasters, and then turning his act into a presidential campaign speech. Before his annoying publicity grab though, he had some funny one-liners, including, confusing Lampanelli with Biggie Smalls, and comparing her to America because she too is “constantly expanding, and filled with dark matter.” Then he asked the audience this profound question, “What’s the difference between a wet raccoon, and Donald Trump’s hair…seven billion dollars.”
Overall, this roast was one for the books, right up there with Pam Anderson’s. Comedy Central and You Tube have clips of all the acts, but you can find the complete video on velmedia.net.
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